Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
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[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.