@Darlainky

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

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@LizHackett

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

@Cidisn

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

@Donna_McCoy

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

@bazecraze

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

@DwHavoc

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

@AlyssaDiSalle

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

@TheTweetOfGod

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

@13spencer

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

@LostFelicia

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.