“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
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As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?