“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
All generalizations are stupid.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Perfection.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.