Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
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I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Dear Lord..
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit