Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
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[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality