Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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Brb my Sims are getting married
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.