Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
crochet youtube is brutal
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.