@POTerritory

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

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@CulturedRuffian

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

@bryanmcc74

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

@imence2

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@WhatevaConc

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

@scorpiusryan21

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

@shanethevein

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

@PaperWash

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

@amburgklur

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

@SukhSDubb

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂