Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?