Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
You Might Also Like
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
RT if you could go either way.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week