sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
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god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
monday
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma