@WritePlay *burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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@WritePlay 
@LetMeStart Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
@ThatB_OverThere Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
@CopBroughtPizza gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
@pleatedjeans [cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
@trevso_electric One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
@SondraDeeMe If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
@tastefactory I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
@AmishPornStar1 Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
@spacetwinks villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit