Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
.. do you even science?
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.