@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

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@PhilipJFried

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

@bridger_w

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

@Brampersandon_

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

@JanineEB4

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

@riot4rach

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

@TheNardvark

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

@sofarrsogud

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

@UncleDuke1969

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)