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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…


I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is


[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*


Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.


If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?


Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse


It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.


‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.


Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)