Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.