Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Twitter remains undefeated
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine