sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works