Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT