Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
You Might Also Like
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.