@thegoodgodabove

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

You Might Also Like

@Chhapiness

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

@Breadery

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

@mjkspeaks

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

@mjkspeaks

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

@ArtIsMyPorn

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

@jimmytorosian

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

@Izianikapani

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

@UrPalWilly

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.