@skittle624 I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
@velvettusk Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
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@skittle624 
@Smug_Lemur God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
@ristolable If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
@noog I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
@ericsshadow SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
@Brianhopecomedy They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
@fro_vo Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
@dulcetry You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
@MommaUnfiltered I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
@LurkAtHomeMom *checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.