Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
You Might Also Like
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
how it started vs how it ended
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
😂😂😂
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”