Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.


God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.


If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars


I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.


SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.


They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.


Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner


You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.


I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage


*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.