Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
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According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I identify as an antique shop.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”