Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.