Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
They did not miss in the small print
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.