sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
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You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Friday night party time 🥳
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Why soy sad?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.