Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow