Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

You Might Also Like


Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday


Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.


I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.


I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle


My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.


Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?


Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”


I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.


The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring