Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
You Might Also Like
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her