@fillthevacuum
@CrackedIllusion It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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@CrackedIllusion 
@DaddyJew Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
@GreenishDuck Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
@topaz_kell I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
@OldUncleDaveO I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
@Quartzjixler My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
@Jenny4ashley Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
@FreshClemonade Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
@garrettn I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
@Ygrene The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring