@fillthevacuum

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

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@DaddyJew

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

@GreenishDuck

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

@topaz_kell

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

@OldUncleDaveO

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

@Jenny4ashley

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

@FreshClemonade

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

@garrettn

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

@Ygrene

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring