Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
You Might Also Like
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*