Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
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My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
moms in horror movies
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Art by Pastelkatto
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.