Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
The only equipped I am is ill.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?