Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My blood type is b hungry.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
no one ever comes back
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.