“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
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[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.