@Betfairpoker I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
@mikeleffingwell Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
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@Betfairpoker 
@mjkspeaks [at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
@ColoradoUgly I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
@Rollmaninoz *Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
@i_love_fudge Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
@clichedout Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
@QwertyJones3 [First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
@joejwest HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do