Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
You Might Also Like
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
That de-escalated quickly
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.