Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs