Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.