Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
This is so me 😂😂
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.