Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
You Might Also Like
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.