Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
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Santa saw your nudes and he鈥檚 getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I鈥檝e decided I鈥檓 not going to let my teen鈥檚 attitude get to me today, and so far I鈥檓 doing really well with it.
She鈥檚 not awake yet.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I understand how batteries feel cause I鈥檓 rarely ever included in things either.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran鈥檚 expiration?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn鈥檛 rhyme anything with arthritis
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…馃槀馃槒馃惗
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn鈥檛 a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
it鈥檚 time for sharks to evolve again. it鈥檚 been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
It鈥檚 extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
If there鈥檚 a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I鈥檒l buy your competitor鈥檚 product even if I don鈥檛 need it.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off