Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
You Might Also Like
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?