Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I am all good here, 😂😉
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ