Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I have a type: disappointing
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.