sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

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It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit


Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*


Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.


trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business


When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box


All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.


– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you


Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.