Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
You Might Also Like
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.