@lazerdoov

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

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@shanselman

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

@dafloydsta

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

@RealDMK

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

@TheAlexP

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

@Book_Krazy

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

@mcclure111

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

@Reverend_Scott

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

@bea_ker

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh