Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

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My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*


Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!


“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive


My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.


2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.


Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.


An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.


Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.


My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.