Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
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No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: