@bondgirl_79

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

@MomofTeen

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

@LuvPug

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

@SteveKoehler22

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

@WhiskeyAndChill

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

@sixfootcandy

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

@mjkspeaks

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

@

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

@HatfieldAnne

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.