Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.


My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.


The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn


*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see


Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.


“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”


Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon


Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”


I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.