Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

You are not alone 💚

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2