Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
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If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”