Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
October already? What’s next? November????
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.