Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter鈥檚 room]: Yo, turns out grandma鈥檚 heart is weak af.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
If you鈥檙e feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it鈥檚 an improvement.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 馃ぃ馃槀
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i鈥檓 catholic
ROBIN: what鈥檚 a holic
Aaaa鈥HOO!
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I don鈥檛 think I鈥檓 necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I鈥檝e already reached my destination.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Twitter is an abusement park.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you鈥檙e dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids