Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
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ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.