Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
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Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
What
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.