@pleatedjeans worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
@JesKeepSwimming Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
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@pleatedjeans 
@DoufSaid I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
@jaggedape Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
@Tommytoughstuff *Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
@SnarkyMommy78 I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
@lenigs17 If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
@GinAndJif Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
@GoodZiIIa waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
@kiralc “Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
@BoomBoomBetty Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.