Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
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Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
cyclists
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss