Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
You Might Also Like
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
i choose….tongue
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Art by Pastelkatto
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?