Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying