Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

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This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great


My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.


Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.


Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.


When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost


Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.


Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.


I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.


Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.


[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger