Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Meeeee too!
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.