sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me